Pain Hides

I didn’t know that pain hides as trauma.
Trauma needs to be released yet not forgotten.
I have done such a great job at forgetting and hiding the things that created pain.
I wish I had known they were traumas.
That word seems so tainted
by media.
I am frustrated
and mad.
I didn’t know I had trauma.
Knowing I need to heal surfaced that trauma.

I have lived trauma almost every single day of my life.

I am so tired.
I am so exhausted.
I am drained from trying.

I don’t want to try to survive anymore.

I want to thrive.

I want to live.

I want myself back.

I need to heal.

I feel like I have been hit by a freight train, caught in a car accident, hit over the head, smacked in the face, a stunt double for someone else’s life, and constantly tripping, yet I am still walking. Sometimes, my neck tilts down, and my face falls to the ground, but I still walk.

I know strength is my superpower.

But I am so tired of trying to live instead of living.

I know I need to be alone, but I don’t want to be alone.

I need no one’s influence.

With love, Jo

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